Tax

Things I could NOT deduct for 2007:

My plan for 2008:

What I may be doing before 6pm...

A wise person once said, "You can pick your friends. You can pick your nose. You cannot pick your friend's nose."

However...

If you have some bullet-proof, studio glass handy...it's safe:

Tax Day 2008

Once upon a time...

When I wasn't in radio...

I was working for "The Man..."

"The Man," had a file cabinet in our office:

Don't worry friends...

The benefit drawer is now brimming...

Q98.5 rocks and all that jazz...

In fact, if you scroll down to my 12-14-07 entry, you'll notice a work related expense I will attempt to deduct.

Here's a clue:

In love with a Barista ;-)

There are serious benefits to paying $4.85 for an Iced Quad Venti Non-fat Latte:

*It says,

"Heather like a feather."

1 Girl...1 Cup

I get an Iced-Quad-Venti-Non-Fat-Latte almost every day...

I especially loved the one I got today:

Haiku

Blog Frustration

I have given up...

on attempting to format..

the pictures and text.

Reason #985

Reason #985 Why I am LAME...


The following conversation occurred a few days ago:

(Bryan and I are sitting at Old Chicago downtown.)

Bryan: Would you like to go somewhere else?

Me: I kinda want to go home and see what the cats are up to!

Yes my friends...I have officially become LAME.

In my own defense, the cats are wildly interesting at times...

Chewbacca and Earnest answer the age-old question:

How many cats does it take to load the dishwasher?

Earnest is poised to attack the meter reader if he tries to give me a ticket.

Chewbacca provides an added hazard to the golf game. Sand and water are not challenging enough.

There Is A Thin Line Between Terrorist and Interior Designer...

There is a thin line between terrorist and interior designer.


As addressed earlier, Earnest is a terrorist.
















My boyfriend's cat, Chewbacca, is a sociopath with good taste.
















My boyfriend had a glass rooster. He loved his "Glass Cock."
















I thought said cock was (forgive my 80's) heinous...



I jokingly mentioned how great it would be for one of the cats to, "accidentally," break the Glass Cock.



My boyfriend assured me that if there was ever a Cat/Cock scuffle, it would not involve his cat.

"Chewbacca is trained," he said.
"Chewbacca isn't physically capable of jumping on top of the cabinet," he said.
"Chewbacca knows better," he said.



Less than 72 hours after the above conversation occurred...




Chewbacca broke the glass cock.

Number 2 is the Poop!

The second greatest blogger in the history of the world:



http://www.johnmayer.com/blog

Terrorism

Earnest will never be a successful interior designer. You will not see him on Trading Spaces, Divine Design, Colorsplash with David Bromstad, Design on a Dime or any other show based on aesthetic improvement.

Earnest will never make it as a landscaper. If Crosby, Stills or Nash needed a third cat for their yard...Earnest would be too busy making my life hard. Plus...he does not have opposable thumbs.

Earnest is a botanical terrorist.

Exhibit A

Defendant claimed he was just "Smelling the roses." I don't believe he inhaled.

Exhibit B

Suspect apprehended violating a bathroom plant.

The defendant claimed, "My relationship with said plant is both consensual and symbiotic."

I responded with, "Earnest, your vocabulary has improved! Have you been reading the dictionary between demolition projects?"

The defendant meowed, "Indubitably."

No charges will be filed...

I mentioned this on the air...

Our studio/building is being re-vamped. Last night one of the painters was telling me about his kids...I feigned interest...

He asked if I had any kids...

*I don't think I have ever been so insulted*

I made a face, "No..."

Beyond a general dislike of children, I've been asking myself why I took such offense...



I've come up with the following:

1. My job is important to me. Why would I voluntarily invite an additional priority into my life? The idea questions my commitment to radio. I'm not saying that people who breed don't care about their careers. I'm just pointing out that I don't want to have to take a day off work because I have a kid that lands in the ER...I would grow to resent their existence.

2. I'm not done with my self-improvement projects. Asking me if I have kids shines a big spotlight on goals I have yet to achieve. For example, I would like to speak fluent French and Spanish. Why would I have a kid when I'm not done perfecting myself? That's like re-doing the bathroom tile while simulaneously tearing off the roof.

3. I don't think anyone wants to think of their own mortality. Having kids means that I am no longer a kid...officially.

4. The idea of changing a diaper makes me nauseous. I have never changed a diaper. I never want to change a diaper. Thank you for having kids and changing their diapers so the task of populating the earth with kids and diapers does not fall on me...

5. Earnest:















We're not looking for a third wheel...


In the interest of time, I will spare you reasons 5-infinty.


Although...reason number 98 has to do with stretch marks...

I'd Set Up a Swingset...But I have an Art Gallery...

When I was 21, my boyfriend left me in Omaha.
After a three-day Greyhound odyssey, I was back in Virginia with a fractured heart and surprisingly fond memories of cobblestone streets and horse-drawn carriages...

The cobblestone streets and horse-drawn carriages are now my front yard...

While wandering around the yard this morning...

I found this painting:















































Local artist to check out:
Jenna Morrison

Her stuff is on display at Sirens at The Loft...

See it, Buy it, Hang it, Love all over it...

Until about 4 minutes ago...This song was lame...

Travis Barker has reached a new level of sexy...

Hairdressers, Priests, and Bartenders...Oh My...

My yellow brick road ends in the communion of split ends and deep conditioner. Bar stools and confessional benches do not compare in luxury or psychiatric benefit to the hydraulic bliss of a salon chair...

After logging 10-ish hours at the hands of a follicular genius...



Discussing everyone from Oscar Wilde to Paris Hilton...



Asking the all-important, ego-stroking, questions:

"Why does everyone suck except for us?"

&

"What's wrong with living in a world comprised of unicorns and Luis Vuitton?"

Musing about how happy/lucky/blessed we are for finding careers that have, by choice, become our bliss/purpose/priority...



Paul has become my new leading man:


















As far as patterns go, wearing my heart-on-my-sleeve for my hair stylist is far better than pattern balding...

Plus...

No one is drunk or going to Hell...

R.I.P.

After 7 glorious months of cohabitation, my orchid is dead...

My orchid had kicked the bucket...

The orchid has croaked...

If I had daisies, my orchid would be pushing them up...

It's a clear case of homicide...(I'd say it was Planticide, but Robert Plant may have the copyright reserved.)

The suspect is an orange male...Fluffy...Last seen wearing a tan sweater:

Yes my friends...

Earnest has been redecorating.

This is all that's left of my former child, (My Or-Kid.)

Orange Is The New Black...

I wandered into the Petsmart on 72nd yesterday...

I had every intention of buying a few holiday gift cards...

I had every intention of buy the "Dog" version of Monopoly...

I had EVERY intention of buying some cat crack for my friends with felines addicted to the nip...
I had no intention of being an addict's guardian...


But...


When I met "Saturn," I was intent on bringing him home...

He whispered barely audible meows through the cage grating...

His head tilted to the sound of my voice...

His mouth closed with his tongue hanging between his lips...


Volunteer: Would you like me to open the cage?

Me: Sure.


That was pretty much it...

I picked him up this morning...















































"Saturn," doesn't suit him...

I'm diggin' the following names:

1. Ambrose B. Cat
(Amby for short)

2. Oscar Wilde

3. Gulliver
(A throwback to his former Travelin' lifestyle.)

4. Earnest
As in...The Importance of Being Earnest...

5. ?


What do you think?
Email me!
Heather@q985fm.com



P.S.
Todd at Petsmart Rocks!

Warning: This Blog Contains High Levels of Sarcasm

I like to think of my life as a mini series...

The following cast members have expressed yearly shopping frustration:

"Pauline"

Heather's selfless mother and very close friend.

"Bryan"

Heather's work-a-holic boyfriend, who enjoys The Bears and taming his nearly feral feline.

"Chewbacca"

The nearly feral feline.

I feel that my preferences are fairly generic...

I don't want anything generic...

Case closed...

Simple...

My mom has agreed to "Pimp My Ride" with a remote start devise...Awesome idea for a NE import such as myself.

I invited Chewbacca to move into my loft. She didn't bite me or run away. My assumption is that she has accepted my offer and will consider relocation.

That leaves Bryan...

In his defense. the next 3 months will be challenging:

Dec: Christmas
Jan: My Birthday
Feb: Valentine's Day

Because I have a heart of gold, I assembled a short list of gift ideas...


Then....I happened upon this:

Yes my friends...

It's awesome-ness is only exceeded by it's price tag...

Don't worry...I have devised a plan that makes Lucy and Ethel's genius schemes look...

well...

silly...

Here's the pitch:

Exhibit A:

Science

Stress and Hair Loss: What Are The Causes of Hair Loss?

From Elizabeth Scott, M.S.,Your Guide to Stress Management.FREE Newsletter. Sign Up Now!
About.com Health's Disease and Condition content is reviewed by Steven Gans, MD

Stress and Hair Loss: You may have heard that stress can cause hair loss, and it’s true. Excessive physical or emotional stress, like that associated with injury, illness or surgery, can cause one of two types of hair loss:
The more common type is called telogen effluvium. With this less severe type of hair loss, the hair stops growing and lies dormant, only to fall out 2 or 3 months later. Then it grows back within 6 to 9 months.
The other type of stress-induced hair loss is known as alopecia areata, and involves a white blood cell attack on the hair follicles. With this type of hair loss, the hair also falls out within weeks (usually in patches), but can involve the entire scalp and even body hair. Hair may grow back on its own, but treatment may also be required.

Exhibit B

Cliches/Subliminal messages

Exhibit C:
Simple Math

In reference to things other than weight gain, zits and credit card debit...3 is better than 2.

Exhibit D

Summation:

The 5 Circles of Hell...

Around this time last year, I had a personal trainer. I hated him...Which meant he was doing a stellar job. His pulpit was a Stair Master, and his Bible was a meticulously calculated meal calendar. (I use the word "Meal," quite loosely.) Needless to say...Instead of gaining the average 5-7 pounds of holiday flab...I lost 4 pounds...

"Holiday Flab," is a funny thing...

"Happy Thanksgiving, you're fat!"

"Merry Christmas...now lay down so you can button those jeans!"

"Happy New Year...You've gone up a size and the only thing that fits are your shoes!"

Although I don't currently have a hard bodied fitness freak orchestrating hours of "Sweaty Time"...I do have a broken elevator...and I have a 5th floor apt.

In a perfect world, I'd be trotting effortlessly up and down...Trash and laundry would serve as free weights, and the heels I wear 24/7 would be an added calf work-out...

If you know me at all, you're laughing right now...

There are 5 full bags of trash in my kitchen:

Plus, I've been occupying myself with time consuming projects, so I don't have to tackle the stairs. "The 5 circles of Hell," as I've affectionately coined them...

A concert tee, embedded in clear resin...Framed by a refurbished window pane.

Same concept...except I took scissors to a pair of signed jeans...

Trippin' on Tryptophan (The Dead Turkey Slipped Me a Roofie.)

Apparently I don't eat enough of the original white meat...

I don't have the "Immunity," man!

I can funnel coffee down my throat, without a hint of jitters...

I can drown in a self inflicted Tabasco sauce tsunami, without heart burn...


But...


When it comes to turkey...


I'm a lethargic lump...

Minutes after ingesting the bird, I started hitting an invisible snooze button...

It's like nature decided to reprimand my turkey gluttony by giving me a "Time Out!"


Needless to say, after dinner I spent a lot of time on the floor with the dog...



Unable to escape the saliva shower...



All because of the damn Tryptophan...

Post Nasal Blog...

I've been a little bit snotty and sniffly the past couple days...

I have been reciting Lesley Gore's lyrics to my cold for the past 48 hours, with no results.

Hey cold, "You don't own me..."
*Sneeze*
Hey Sneeze, "I'm young and I love to be young..."
*Cough*
Hey Cough, "Don't tell me what to do, and don't tell me what to say..."

I could go on...but you get it...

My brain is lounging in an orange Dayquil Jacuzzi...

Yes my friends...the daytime, sniffling, sneezing, stuffy head, so you can work medicine...is my bestest bud.

If there was such a thing as an Olympic Cold Medicine Swallowing Team, I would be the star...

Needless to say, I'm loopy from the liquid...

I started laughing hysterically when I saw this:















Why are Elfin Crackers funny?



They're not...



But I saw this:

















That's right...F'fin crackers...with 2.5 grams of "F..."

All Weddings Eve...

Have you ever done sooooo much in a week, it feels as through a month has flown by?
My boyfriend was in town and we went out A LOT!

Halloween kicked off with a courthouse wedding. No one was knocked up. No shot-guns were pointed. No one was stressed out about usual wedding crap. Just 2 crazy kids, a judge, and a handful of well-wishers...

I was a well-wisher...

NOT a bride...

My mom was just freaking out...

Now she's fine...

Because neither of these people are me:













Rock on marriage!

When it doesn't involve me...

;-)

A guy called in last night, and asked if I had any weekend plans that , "Are so private you would only include the details in a personal blog."

If you:
1. Listen regularly.
2. Know me.

You can appreciate how silly this question was/is...

Privacy isn't my bag baby...

Minus the social security number and mailing address, my life exists for your amusement.
Radio doesn't work for me unless it's real...
So yes...
I REALLY have 11 cavities. I REALLY like poker. I REALLY REALLY dig The Donnas.

I'll be at Scary Acres tonight from 9-11pm.
Feel free to stalk me...

XOXOXO,
Heather

No Rehab For Heather

One of my friends told me that if you could keep a plant alive, you could take care of yourself...

This wisdom, as most does, comes from a movie about drug addicts...

Apparently, It's true.

Here's the plant:

Do The Accessories Come With The Bed?

I walked into Pier 1 today, and saw this:
















If you're "OOOH-ing..." and "Awe-ing..."

Stop.

This situation sucks for so many reasons...
1. In a couple months, when Pier 1 has a "Super Red Tag Sale," some poor person will actually pay for drool infused items.
2. This kid's Mom is not within eye-shot. Someone could hurt him/her and totally get away with it.
3. I am suddenly so concerned about reasons 1 & 2, that I cannot focus on shopping.

This situation could however, be worse:
1. The kid could be screaming.
2. Projectile vomit could be flying from this kid's mouth into an innocent bystander's [my] hair.
3. This kid could be mine.

Luckily, I was able to walk away from the entire situation.

So dear friend, if you are:
1. Interested in buying stuff from Pier 1...watch out for drool.
2. A novice kidnapper...go to Pier 1.
3. Looking for a babysitter...don't call me.

Automatic Toilet Seat

Because men are missing the "Toilet closing gene," here's a link to the automatic toilet seat...














http://www.faucetdirect.com/index.cfm?page=product:display&productID=MS990CG&manufacturer=Toto&finish=Bone&CS_010=184614&CS_003=714917&source=shopping

P.s. Make THEM pony up the money for it!

It's better than Crack

I haven't blogged in a while. That either means:
A. My life has been so super exciting I haven't had time...
B. Nothing worth mentioning has occurred...
C. I have been crushing on Yellowcard's new album too hard to focus on anything else...

Yeah...

If you answered C; you get a cookie.*

Plus...

I'm addicted to Youtube.
Yes, my friends, the day has come...
I could watch wacky pet clips all day...







* No actual cookie**
**Cookies may cause cavities***
***See blog below

So...You're wrong AND illiterate...cool

According to Maxim, the 5 "Unsexiest" women alive are:

5. Britney Spears
4. Madonna
3. Sandra Oh (Grey's Anatomy)
2. Amy Winehouse
1. Sarah Jessica Parker

Britney Spears is less heinous than Sarah Jessica Parker?!?
I wish this was a joke...
I would like to think the opinions expressed in Maxim do not reflect the opinions of the gender as a whole...

http://www.maximonline.com/Entertainment/Thefiveunsexiestwomenalive/slideshow/435.aspx

P.s. "Unsexiest," is not a word.

Scott Anderson's side project should be called "Enamel 11."

This message of hatred is for my mouth:
















I have 11 cavities.

Yes my friends...That's "1" with another "1" in front of it.

To the naked eye, my teeth do not appear injured; nor do they hurt.

However, the kind man with the drill claims to see the enamel eating interlopers...

Therefore, while you get lost in mountains of turkey and stuffing...I will be embarking on a Novocaine extravaganza.

Hoo-Rah

The Pink Pony

Commandment number 10 is the least important...right?




















I promised myself that I wouldn't buy a new car until I turn 30.
(However, I will only be claiming 29. So as far as YOU know, it will be my 29th birthday present to myself. )

Needless to say, I'm not there yet.

I am currently breaking commandment number 10...Yes...RIGHT NOW.












The limited edition 2008 Mustang with the Warriors in Pink package does benefit Susan G. Komen for the Cure.
But let's be real...
The car is cute.
http://www.fordvehicles.com/warriorsinpink/index.asp

I'm always thinking of you.


Yes...you...


I normally would not approach strange men decked out in Motley Crue gear, brandishing my camera phone, and beg them for a picture...


OK...You're right...I would...





























As I continued my journey through the looking glass, I happened upon this:















Then I was hoping for this:

But alas, no Britney Spears...real or impersonated...