I am allergic to my High-Maintenece-Self

How much weirdness does the average person possess?

If you ever find yourself pondering your own oddities...

Here is a snapshot from my life...to hopefully...make you feel better about yours.

Earlier today:

As I'm blow drying my hair, Jenny calls...

Me: Hello (Sneeze)
Jenny: Bless you! (Random political banter.)
Me: (Laugh) (Sneeze)
Jenny: Bless You! (The conversation turns to boys...)
Me: (Laugh) (Sneeze) (Sneeze)
Jenny: Are you OK?
Me: I always sneeze when I blow dry my hair...
Jenny: (Silence)
Me: Yeah...
Jenny: You should mention that one the air.
Me: (Sneeze)

That's right...

I didn't noticed until today...

But I ALWAYS sneeze as I'm blow drying my hair...

Kind of odd...

Don't have any known allergies...

And yet...

Whether I'm at home or in a salon...

I sneeze...

There are several plausible explanations for my sneezing problem...Yet I choose to believe that I am most likely allergic to the absence of Earnest...

He was at the opposite end of the apartment...Waiting for the snot tsunami to subside:

Just call me Neo, cause I've met The Source...

Until a couple days ago, my relationship with the Omaha police dept. looked like this:

Now it looks more like this:
















That's right my friends...

I got flowers from a cop!

This situation baffles me...

I've had 2 significant relationships, totally about 6 years of my life...Neither guy ever sent me flowers.

Then I meet, "The Source" of the tickets...

Said Source and I have not been on a date, I don't even know the last name of "The Source."

And yet...

Just as quickly as one might notice flashing lights in the rear view...

Poof! Flowers...

The moral of this story...

"When you go fast, you get a ticket. When you go slow, you get flowers."

Another Thing To Confuse Our Friend Jessica Simp.

Regardless of how you, or I, feel about PETA...

I have to hand it to them for being creative...

No matter how shocking, extreme, or off-putting some of their campaigns may be, they really pour a lot of energy into capturing interest.

The latest:

A campaign to further numb the mind of our friend Jessica Simpson...

FISH=SEA KITTENS

People don't seem to like fish. They're slithery and slimy, and they have eyes on either side of their pointy little heads—which is weird, to say the least. Plus, the small ones nibble at your feet when you're swimming, and the big ones—well, the big ones will bite your face off if Jaws is anything to go by.
Of course, if you look at it another way, what all this really means is that fish need to fire their PR guy—stat. Whoever was in charge of creating a positive image for fish needs to go right back to working on the Britney Spears account and leave our scaly little friends alone. You've done enough damage, buddy. We've got it from here. And we're going to start by retiring the old name for good. When your name can also be used as a verb that means driving a hook through your head, it's time for a serious image makeover. And who could possibly want to put a hook through a sea kitten?

Thanks fark.com

Funny in the whole, "Alanis," way...

You know...

The rain on the wedding day...

Free ride when it's already paid way...


http://jalopnik.com/5066062/ten-cars-you-can-live-in-after-your-home-is-repossessed

Weddings & Jerseys & Kittens...Oh My...

I'm back in Omaha after the wedding of the year...

I've been to more...many more...than one this year, but Allison and Jeremy's wedding deserves the "Wedding of the Year," moniker.

Because the "Wedding of the Year," deserves multiple installments in this blog, I will create a trilogy. It will go backwards, as I do not have immediate access to the "Wedding of the Year," photos.

I will tell you that:

1. I caught the bouquet.
2. I gave a toast.
3. I handed out sparklers, greeted the caterers, made sure the table cloths were placed with care, hung curtains in the renovated-barn-reception-site, attended to Allison's dress, duck-taped when necessary, and in general ran around in a frenzy for 5 days...
4. I got Earnest an "I missed you," present...















Soon after receiving his jersey, his inner line-backer took over, and he tackled me...

Call me modest...But I dislike naked walls...

In a previous posting, I sang the praises of local artist Jenna Morrison...

Still loving her!

Just acquired this:

"Part of Me Wishes You Were Bad For my Health"

On The Road...

I lost my passport.

Sometime between May 27 and May 28th, 2007.
Somewhere between Virginia and Nebraska.
Stopped on a nameless highway trying to prevent my bladder from exploding into fireworks of coffee infused Redbull.


There was no Peyote or Kerouac or Jack of any sort.
I could deceive you into believing that the trip was a dream chasing endeavour wrought with the romanticism of an en route epiphany...
I could manipulate the truck-stop-reality into an undulating water globe of moonlit gravel roads...
I could momentarily suspend your disbelief...


But there was no zen or motorcycle or art...


There was a girl in an Oldsmobile with a passport...At least, until there wasn't.


Friends...
The passport would never have liberated itself from my possession if I'd been packing the following:





































Yes...

It's called the "Cleavage Caddy."

Although it's being marketed toward the bar and club-fly constituency, I think it's perfect (No essential) for travellers.

How many times do you find your IN-TRANSIT self almost dutifully peeling down your bottom attire in an unsavory rest area?

Now...

How many times do you see the need to remove your bra on the road?

Exactly.

LOVE IT!

Nicole Richie and Joel Madden have teamed up with Myspace to raise money for kids. If you're interested and able to help, you can text "CHILD," to 90999 and instantly donate 5 bucks! That's so easy! I love it!




The Richie-Madden Children's foundation is focused on raising money for low-income families, building playgrounds, providing medical services, and giving baby products to mothers. Foundation partners include the Los Angeles Free Clinic, UNICEF and Children's Health Fund.

Thanks Jeff!

Every once in a while...

Someone sends me a hilarious forward...

Here is the proof:

M & M Breeding

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.

OMG he's the FBD!

Is it too soon for another dose of Jesssimpion? I don't want you to think I'm a fan of our chicken of the sea monkeys...

That was mean...

I'm sorry...

I didn't mean to insult the one-celled intellect of our sea monkey friends...

I digress...

Jess is calling Tony Romo her "FBD."

To the laymen that means, "Future Baby Daddy."

Awe...

I've heard he has a sweet-as-pie pet name for her too...

"FWB..."Friend with benefits...

Earnest's Fall Wardrobe

Earnest is a fashionista.

Here is his latest acquisition:

Hetero-Flexible

"Heteroflexible," is the trendy word to describe the Katy Perry generation...

Although not yet defined by our friends at Webster's, the term accounts for any same-sex activity ranging from a dare to an experimental period.

Hum...

Do we need a term for that?

Maybe...

We do listen a hit song based around the concept :-)

New Songs To Love ;-)

My Dear Friends,

As you know, this blog is a window into my mind...

Where few things make sense, and sentences are seldom complete...

But this...

is my reality...

And reality has a kick-ass soundtrack:

Sept. 16th...

Write it on your forehead*

Plus...

See them live at Slowdown on Sat. 11-15!

*Preferably backwards

Haha! Thanks Dan

Boxers are OUT...MAN-E-HOSE are IN

I think most women would agree that wearing pantyhose, in general, wouldn't make the "Top 10 Greatest Things About Being A Woman" list.

Those heat-trapping, stomach-sucking, run-waiting-to-happen sheaths of discomfort are a necessity not a privilege.

Therefore, I was surprised to see that our lesser halves have begun to sport them with a pre-pubescent brand of excitement and intrigue.

Sure...The first dozen times I slid on a pair of hose, I felt...

Evolved...

But...

For the last 20-some years I've searched for the lesser of the calf-casing evils...

SPANX seem to be just that...

Tolerable...

Now, Friends...

I am certainly a proponent of equal-rights...

Female/Male, Alternative Lifestyle, Animal-Vegtable-Mineral...Whatever...My mind is WIDE OPEN...

But...

Why would a man choose to torture himself in the shackles of an unforgiving control-top?

I give you...

Pantyhose...

For MEN:

Online retailer, luxelegwear.com reports a staggering 80% of their 2007 sales were to men....Compared to 2005, when the market was dominated by women...

Apparently pantyhose are better than long-underwear under the suits of those professionals living in cold climates...

The thunder-thigh reducers also have benefits for athletes too...Many are reporting improved support and circulation...

REALLY?

OK...

Gift-giving just became really easy...

Victoria's Secret gift-cards all around!

I am not a Jessica Simpson fan...

In fact, the only thing I dislike more than her music is her personality...

However...

As someone who has also made herself into a product, I respect her success...

I appreciate the fact that the "Jessica Simpson," brand is as recognizable as Twizzlers...

Not Coke...Madonna is the Coke...

Now...

I don't listen her music, and do enjoy every possible opportunity to compare her intellect to a slice of Swiss cheese...

But...

When a woman admits that she has been abused, I will NEVER question or challenge her statement.

I'm angry...no, livid/enraged/offended...that different bloggers and entertainment reporters have made light of the situation. It's inappropriate to title an article, "Jessica Simpson abused?"

Guess what you ignorant freaks...

The question mark is offensive...

She said it happened.

Until proven otherwise...it did.

No question mark.

Period.

..........................................................

Here's an excerpt from the article...in case you missed it:

The dark years of Jessica Simpson also apparently included abuse. She says that her forthcoming album will include a song called “Remember That” by the Nashville songwriters Rachel Proctor and Victoria Banks that she hopes will deliver a message to abused women. “It doesn’t matter how he hurts you,” she sings, “With his hands or with his words/ You don’t deserve it/ It ain’t worth it/ Take your heart and run.”

“I had to record that,” Jessica says. “There’s nothing on my album you’re gonna hear that I don’t relate to or that I haven’t experienced. Because the only way I know how to sing is from life experience.”

“Are you thinking of anybody in particular when you sing that?” I ask.

“That is a personal question that I do want to keep to myself,” she says. “But I know that I sing it with experience.”

“I understand you’ve felt emotionally abused,” I say, “but you’re not telling me that you’ve experienced physical abuse as well, are you?”

She stops to ponder her response. She finally says, “I don’t want to talk about it, but I have definitely experienced abuse in a way that I would tell people to take their heart and run.”

ELLE

Tammy Faye Baker

If you identify with the late Tammy-Faye-Baker...


















Stop Reading...

If you're easily freaked out...

Stop reading...

Scroll down until you see a picture of an orange terrorist masquerading as a cat...

Proceed reading...

..............................................................................................

However...

If you're the spoon-bending, red-pill-popping, runs with scissors inside your house of leaves...kinda cat...

Click here:

http://www.cosmeticsdatabase.com/splash.php?URI=%2Findex.php

I'm so glad other people are amusing...So I don't have to be...

Hello Friends...


As a career non-breeder, I found this picture extremely amusing:















The Uterus Coozy/Soft-cuddly Uterus Doll
LOL!!! It's perfect for a lifetime of cold and lonely uterine nights...

Tangerine Is The New Orange...

Earnest is having an identity crisis...

I've been providing him with various props to aid him in his quest to discover his individuality...

This week...

I picked up some artificial ferns...

After careful inspection...

Earnest proclaimed, "I shall no longer be burdened with the label, 'Domestic Engineer of the Feline Persuasion.' From this moment forward only address me as...

a Lion-Identified House-Cat..."

I said, "But Earnest, you told me 'House-Cat' was demeaning!"

Earnest Roared, "I have evolved, my pet..."

Trod Envy

I stood on the edge of my backyard. It was summer, and my neighbors were jumping through their sprinkler in the most stylish short-red-swim trunks 1984 had to offer...

I'd spent every other July afternoon ignoring the water balloon fights, the Atari games, and the GI Joe battle-invitations from the boys on my cul-de-sac...

But today was different...

I looked down at my OshKosh B'Gosh bottoms...and realized there was a reason I didn't own any short-red-swim trunks...

I'd never been so excited about something and so utterly disgusted at the same moment...

I left that emotional cocktail within the chain link fence of my 1/2 acre New Jersey backyard, wholly believing I would never again experience the complexity that combined fear and intrigue solicits...

........................................................

Although...


Today, through my 2 inch heels, I could almost feel the perfectly manicured lawn from my childhood between my toes.

Friends,

Have you heard of the Fish-pedicure?
















Yes...

It's real...

"Doctor Fish," eat away any evidence of stiletto-inflicted callouses...Leaving you with a surface so smooth that 8 year olds will see you and experience Trod-Envy.*

I am excited and grossed out...

I want to immerse myself in fish...

And until then...

I will count the days until I can proudly proclaim, "I laughed, I cried, I brought the skin-sampler-platter for fish pot-luck."

*Yes...
I manipulated the English language again to suit my whims...
"Trod Envy," When one experiences jealously evoked by another's feet, stride, or any condition pertaining to the metatarsal region.

*CONTEST*

Hello Friends,

Welcome to the Bat Blog ;-)

From 6pm to 9pm tonight you have one more chance to score a pair of tickets to the midnight showing of "Batman The Dark Night."

Show me your devotion to Batman, Q98.5, or both!

Take a picture, or a series of pictures, demonstrating your extreme desire to see the movie!

Whether you sport a costume, dress up your pets, make a sign, snap pictures of your collectibles, paint your face...

I want to see it!

I'll post the pictures here when I receive them!

Then, at the stroke of nine, I'll choose who I think is the most fanatic and reward them with tickets!

Easy?

Fun?

YES!!!

So...

Start snapping...

And check back frequently to see what your competition is up to!

Heather@q985fm.com

Don't forget to include:

1. Your first name.
2. Your phone number.
3. Your photo/photos!

Good luck!

*Keep them clean! I can't post anything offensive!



ENTRIES:


1.














2.


















3.
















4.

5.
















6.

I'm sending some Fall Out Boy to out to you...MSN

Dear MSN,

Occasionally you have an interesting article or statistic on your front page...

Sometimes I'll mention said article or statistic on the air...

Fine.

Great.

Thanks for the memories MSN...

M-S-N if you're out there...I can't see your face...But you left a trace on a data back road I'm about to ERASE...

If you're wondering why I've gone POE-stal on you MSN...

I am simply reacting to your article, "10 ARTISTS WHO SHOULD STOP MAKING RECORDS..."

Is this a joke?

If so, perhaps your next article should be, "10 Van Gogh Paintings We Wouldn't Even Hang In Our Basement."

Or Maybe, "10 Books Of The Bible That Wouldn't Even Make Oprah's Club."

What about, "10 Dog Years Too Many: A Tale Of Our Family Pet Who Outlived Grandma."

A sequel to, "10 Reindeer Would Have Been Overkill...Santa Got The Job Done With 9."

Sound blasphemous/distasteful?

Of course it does...

Music is my religion and I'm deeply offended.

Shame on you MSN...

http://music.msn.com/music/photos/enough-already/?GT1=28102

Thanks Jeff!

Occasionally, I suffer from "Blogger's Fatigue."

I'm sure our friends at Webster will eventually include this condition in their book of words.

Blogger's Fatigue

Pronunciation:

ˈblägg-er\ \fə-ˈtēg\

Function:

noun

Etymology:
Short for Lazy-Heather.

1: Weariness or exhaustion from writing that is induced in a sensory receptor or motor end organ by continued stimulation. Of, or pertaining to, a Q98.5 DJ whose creativity is hindered by her lame cell-phone which has boycotted all picture function.

Friends...

Don't be alarmed...

This condition, however severe or debilitating, has been rectified...

I have been revitalized by an email I received tonight:

Hi Heather--
After reading through your blogs, I'm jealous that I don't have anything witty or interesting going on in my life, not even snacks shaped like choking hazards. But of course, when I run across anything interesting, I'll keep sending it to you for your amusement.So, keep smiling and the rest of us will smile back at the sound of your voice.--Jeff

"Untitled." What? Bands Get Away With Being Lazy...

Hello friends,

Friday night...

While trees were falling...

and cable was failing...

and power lines flailed across debris covered streets...















The darkness was interrupted at the strike of 10...

















Nate Stone's "Thick & Thin," was in your ear...

www.myspace.com/natestonemusic

Underwear ASSessory

Stop the Presses...

Yes, my friends...

Check out the ACTUAL product description:

Package Details
5 Saving Graces
Discreet Antimicrobial Carbon Technology

Directions:
1. Peel off adhesive and stick Subtle Butt onto the inside of your underwear or pants, exactly where you think it goes.
2. Go for it, Let'er rip, Have at it, Cut loose, Break wind, Gas it up
3. When you're done wearing Subtle Butt, remove and discard. If any adhesive traces remain, use a damp cloth for removal.

Tips for Success:
You want all the gas to pass through Subtle Butt. So do what you need to do to ensure none sneaks around the edges.
Subtle Butt can be applied to thongs by wrapping and securing it around the back.

Thanks Kimberly!

Equal Opportunity Lip-locking...

Polychronopolis and I are in LOVE with Katy Perry...

He has a poster of her up in the studio, and I'm sitting here sending her fan-line a text at 3am...

We're professional dorks over this girl...

In fact...

I am sooooo geeked out that there is no creative spin to this story...

There is nothing metaphorical or witty or even mildly amusing about this blog...

This is the organic chemistry of blogs...
The nutritional facts on the box of bran flakes of blogs...
The warning label on your hairdryer about possible electrocution of blogs...

It is merely to inform you that I am, in fact, so infatuated with "One Of The Boys" that I am compelled toward redundancy...and repeating myself over and over and over again...and compulsively re-stating the facts...

Has the dead horse been properly beaten?
















Katy Perry's fan-line:
805-754-2138

"Uninvited," is the song of the day...

I am getting more mileage out of my razors...

Because I can't shave my entire left leg...

I can't shave my leg...

Because there is a spider in my apt.

I know there is a spider in my apt...

Because my left leg looks like this:

There's A Craken In My Fallopian Tube

A wise man, Peter Griffin, once said, "You can't spell Overreact without Ovary."

Just when I was about to exchange my uterus for something more useful...

Maybe an umbrella or a unicycle...

They both start with "U..."

Even trade?

I saw something that made my estrogen boil...









Hum...

A food item, shaped like a choking hazard.

What could possibly go wrong?

I'd Call Myself A Soccer Mom, But Earnest Doesn't Have Soccer Balls...or any for that matter...

Considering I don't have any ABC-knowledge-deficient individuals in my life, my opinions on anything kid-related are irrelevant.

But...

For all intents and purposes, Earnest is my child. I do have some sort of maternal (or cat-eranl) instinct.

For example...If Earnest took his clothes off and posed for Vanity Fair, I would be a little peeved...




















Although, I would allow him to express himself in a pair of soft, stiletto booties:

















The second I saw the adds for "Heelarious" booties for 0-6month olds, I smiled...

I said to myself, "Self...you no longer have to shop for baby shower gifts. You no longer have to wade in the sea of pregnant shoppers to select a fetus present. Point, click, and charge your way into a hip gift!"

But...

Then I mentioned the "Hip Gift," on the air...

The phone lines lit up...

Each green blinking light was an explosion of estrogen infused "Mommy Anger," labeled with an "H."

The "H" meant it was aimed at "Heather," and the bomb exploded through the studio speakers.

Team-Mommy spokes-women from across the land vocalized their outrage for another adult-themed product being marketed to kids.

So...

If you, like me, smiled when you saw the pink pair of soft-stiletto-booties pictured above...

Stifle your excitement for a moment...and consider whether or not the mommy-to-be you have in mind is packing.

Say, "No," To Pledge...

I'm the girl who scours salvage yards for old window panes secretly destined to become frames...

I'm the crazy chick standing in line at the fish counter seeking catfish tails to adorn a mirror...currently hanging in my apt. (Don't flip out...they're stink-sealed in plastic resin.)

I'm the one who has 20/10 vision, but can't see the lines because I've colored so far outside them...

But...

You know this about me...

While walking around the perimeter of the box this afternoon, I happened upon this guy:

This, my friends, is Scott Wade.

He etches his art onto dust-covered glass:

Ahhhh...I'm in love...

The Doppler Says, "Red"

It's 8pm...

Volatile Storms...

Boyscout Troop....

Hit....

Fatalities.


6 words...

More important than the millions I've spoken...

Cat-Zander

I think I should be the next Dina Lohan...

I have a fire-haired son named Earnest who has what it takes...

This has "JCPenny/Sears Wishbook" written ALL over it:

Yes...Friends...

That is the "Magnum."

On The Trail of #1231

I found this situation amusing for several reasons...

1. Could there be a (Mobile-Crime-Lab-Worthy) crime happening in this drive through???
2. Did the Mobile-Crime-Lab-Superstars find enough loose change in their forensic travels to afford an item from the dollar menu?
3. Does Omaha NEED a Mobile-Crime-Lab? They don't exactly seem busy...

In the midst of pondering these possibilities...

I realized I was actually snapping camera-phone pictures, from my car, in a drive through...

I said to myself...

"Self, I will justify the lame-ness of this situation by blogging about it."

Today Included A Quick Wardrobe Change...

Before you look down at Earnest in his sink and say, "Awwwwwww..."

Know that Earnest is a terrorist...


Picture it...

Old Market...

Today...

12:37pm....


















Earnest was survielling me from his porcelain bunker...

He was waiting for an ample amount of shower-steam to accumulate before attacking...

Jack Johnson was sending Earnest subliminal messages through my CD player...

My pants were neatly folded on the toilet...

I had no idea that the, "Sitting, Waiting, Wishing," pertained to Earnest urinating on my pants...

Until...

I was sitting here at work...

Wondering where the smell of Earnest's urine could possibly be coming from...

The BP Saved Me Again...

This is my tire:
















Looks like a tire...RIIIIIIGHT?



That's what I thought...



But this my friends....Is a tire with a screw in it...



Yes...



My tire was screwed...



I was screwed...



"Flat," is a 4 letter word in reference to tires, soda, lines, being broke and -ULENCE...

Dear Mr. Webster...Please add "Purgatorious" to your book of words...

I have often asserted that my life exists for you.

Yes, you...

I am as real as reality T.V. and as close as a dial on your radio...

I am at your service musically 25 hours per week...A mere seven digits and a dial tone away...

I am omnipresent online and nothing is off-limits...

This blog represents a moment in time...

I'm currently coasting through the purgatorious portion of my day...It's late...I'm off the air...It's technically Friday morning...For me it's still Thursday night...

My ex-boyfriend googled me...sent me an email (Which I posted for you below) and Liz Phair is providing the soundtrack for the remainder of my waking hours...


"Safe on the interstate
New York is three thousand miles away
And I'm not looking forward to following through
But it's better than always running back into you
I've closed my eyes and my bank account
And gone west, young man
Take off the parking brake
Go coasting into a different state
And I'm not looking forward to missing you
But I must have something better to do..."
LIZ PHAIR


Hey,
Not sure if I have emailed you before/recently, I may have while drunk. If so, and this is redundant, sorry. Just wanted to write and see how you were doing. It's been awhile, we did not part on good terms at all (a road entirely of my own paving, I know), and I guess I am curious about how you are doing. I've been in NYC three years now doing nothing overly interesting, just the usual. Freeland writing, more graduate school (in biology this time). Working half-heartedly on a novel. I googled you, so I thought I would drop you a line. I wouldn't blame you for thiking I am an awful person, or for not thinking anything of me at all. To be honest I havn't really cared what anyone thinks of me for most of my life. However, we were friends at one time, and you were one of the only people I have ever known that presented me with any kind of an intellectual challenge, so I guess I am just curious about how you are doing...and, I miss you in some way, just in general I guess...trying to think of anything else interesting about me...nothing comes to mind. Starting a doctorate next year, probably at Emory, so it's back to Atlanta for me. Although I applied to Cambridge, but I seriously doubt I have any chance of getting in. Sorry to ramble, and I am sorry for how I treated you. Write me back if you want, and let me know how you are doing...looks as though things are good for you and I am very glad!
Best,
A***

Rainbows and Kittens...

I spent most of yesterday sleeping off my travel hangover...

I woke up around 7pm because Earnest jumped on my face...

I guess somewhere in the, "How To Be An Orange Cat Handbook," there is a chapter on severe weather.

In case of storm:

Jump on Heather's face...Meow until she wakes up...Demand a treat...

If she does not comply:

Cite "Lassie Vs. Timmy..."

Argue that she could have been trapped in a well for days without your help.

I was happy to be awake when I saw this: