(Insert fanfare, flash photography and confetti...Maybe not confetti, it's too messy.)
Lots of people have been asking about the American Idol saga. Here's the breakdown:
Wednesday Morning:
While standing in the registration line, (at the literal butt crack of dawn) I was baffled by the fact that no one wanted to sing for me. Even their song titles became top secret classified information that would be concealed from possible AI interlopers at all costs. However, I met a chick named "Jolene" who was cordial enough to join me in a photo. Here we are looking as sexy as 6 am allowed:
Friday Morning:
After dozens of "Wake-up calls" had been confirmed for 3:30 am, I exited the radio station with the knowledge that I would not sleep. I was jones-ing hard for some Sominex...I decided that the 3 measly hours of shut eye I would attain wasn't worth having to swallow...
I showered...I tried on my outfit...I laid out my outfit...I tried on my outfit again...I laid out my outfit again...I curled my hair...I straightened my hair...I curled my hair again...
Because I live in Old Market, I hoofed it to the Quest Center at 4 am. (Only the chance of nationwide stardom can pull this girl out of bed before sunrise.) I met "Nick," in line. I immediately tagged him as "Saint Nick...My halfway gay, wholly metro American Idol Christmas elf." (This was a term of endearment. Trust me, if you think I'm wacky on the air, I'm down right Fruit loops the other 21 hours per day.)
The producers emerged sometime around 8 am to orchestrate lame crowd shots. "The Midwest is the best," we shouted with conviction. The 18th time I almost believed it. (This was step number 1 in the AI brainwashing extravaganza.)Inside the Quest Center, more choreographed excitement followed. We swayed our arms, pumped our fists wildly in the air and played air piano. These motions accompanied a group rendition of "Born in the U.S.A." (AI brainwashing step number 2: Even if you were birthed in the back of a French cab, entrenched in the glow of Bastille Day fireworks, YOU WERE BORN IN THE U.S.A. DAMN IT!)
My stamina faded as Broadway quality singers were rejected...I took a break and found an area outside which was rejuvenating. A circle of people were singing, playing guitar and laughing. (AI brainwashing tactic number 3: Unless it's T. V. quality, it's not quality.)
In the moments before I auditioned, I looked down at my AI bracelet and media pass. I smiled knowing that I was one of the few people who had both.
I sang...
I waited while the producers whispered to each other...
I wanted to be on the show...exponentially more than before...
And....
No dice...
Rejected...
I was, as they said, "A Non-Winner."An assistant, brandishing scissors, removed my wristband and it was over. Outside I met a band of other "Non-Winners." We collectively decided that the $100. prize offered that night at a local Karaoke joint was far more fulfilling than signing our lives away. (The AI brainwashing was complete. We were so miserable about failing that a lousy bill looked like Gatsby's green light. We were desperate for someone to remove the "NON" from "Non-winner.") 
I met an actual winner before facing the humid jaunt back to my place. His name is Tony. The AI producers put the fear of God in him...Warning that the answer to any question is, "I'm not at liberty to say."
After a 5 hour nap, my priorities were in order. AI was like a fling, and Radio is the love of my life.
~Heather
P.S.
Gotta give thanks and kisses to UNO and M. Constantino Salon for making my "Pre-Idol" days fantastic!
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