Underwear ASSessory

Stop the Presses...

Yes, my friends...

Check out the ACTUAL product description:

Package Details
5 Saving Graces
Discreet Antimicrobial Carbon Technology

Directions:
1. Peel off adhesive and stick Subtle Butt onto the inside of your underwear or pants, exactly where you think it goes.
2. Go for it, Let'er rip, Have at it, Cut loose, Break wind, Gas it up
3. When you're done wearing Subtle Butt, remove and discard. If any adhesive traces remain, use a damp cloth for removal.

Tips for Success:
You want all the gas to pass through Subtle Butt. So do what you need to do to ensure none sneaks around the edges.
Subtle Butt can be applied to thongs by wrapping and securing it around the back.

Thanks Kimberly!

Equal Opportunity Lip-locking...

Polychronopolis and I are in LOVE with Katy Perry...

He has a poster of her up in the studio, and I'm sitting here sending her fan-line a text at 3am...

We're professional dorks over this girl...

In fact...

I am sooooo geeked out that there is no creative spin to this story...

There is nothing metaphorical or witty or even mildly amusing about this blog...

This is the organic chemistry of blogs...
The nutritional facts on the box of bran flakes of blogs...
The warning label on your hairdryer about possible electrocution of blogs...

It is merely to inform you that I am, in fact, so infatuated with "One Of The Boys" that I am compelled toward redundancy...and repeating myself over and over and over again...and compulsively re-stating the facts...

Has the dead horse been properly beaten?
















Katy Perry's fan-line:
805-754-2138

"Uninvited," is the song of the day...

I am getting more mileage out of my razors...

Because I can't shave my entire left leg...

I can't shave my leg...

Because there is a spider in my apt.

I know there is a spider in my apt...

Because my left leg looks like this:

There's A Craken In My Fallopian Tube

A wise man, Peter Griffin, once said, "You can't spell Overreact without Ovary."

Just when I was about to exchange my uterus for something more useful...

Maybe an umbrella or a unicycle...

They both start with "U..."

Even trade?

I saw something that made my estrogen boil...









Hum...

A food item, shaped like a choking hazard.

What could possibly go wrong?

I'd Call Myself A Soccer Mom, But Earnest Doesn't Have Soccer Balls...or any for that matter...

Considering I don't have any ABC-knowledge-deficient individuals in my life, my opinions on anything kid-related are irrelevant.

But...

For all intents and purposes, Earnest is my child. I do have some sort of maternal (or cat-eranl) instinct.

For example...If Earnest took his clothes off and posed for Vanity Fair, I would be a little peeved...




















Although, I would allow him to express himself in a pair of soft, stiletto booties:

















The second I saw the adds for "Heelarious" booties for 0-6month olds, I smiled...

I said to myself, "Self...you no longer have to shop for baby shower gifts. You no longer have to wade in the sea of pregnant shoppers to select a fetus present. Point, click, and charge your way into a hip gift!"

But...

Then I mentioned the "Hip Gift," on the air...

The phone lines lit up...

Each green blinking light was an explosion of estrogen infused "Mommy Anger," labeled with an "H."

The "H" meant it was aimed at "Heather," and the bomb exploded through the studio speakers.

Team-Mommy spokes-women from across the land vocalized their outrage for another adult-themed product being marketed to kids.

So...

If you, like me, smiled when you saw the pink pair of soft-stiletto-booties pictured above...

Stifle your excitement for a moment...and consider whether or not the mommy-to-be you have in mind is packing.

Say, "No," To Pledge...

I'm the girl who scours salvage yards for old window panes secretly destined to become frames...

I'm the crazy chick standing in line at the fish counter seeking catfish tails to adorn a mirror...currently hanging in my apt. (Don't flip out...they're stink-sealed in plastic resin.)

I'm the one who has 20/10 vision, but can't see the lines because I've colored so far outside them...

But...

You know this about me...

While walking around the perimeter of the box this afternoon, I happened upon this guy:

This, my friends, is Scott Wade.

He etches his art onto dust-covered glass:

Ahhhh...I'm in love...

The Doppler Says, "Red"

It's 8pm...

Volatile Storms...

Boyscout Troop....

Hit....

Fatalities.


6 words...

More important than the millions I've spoken...

Cat-Zander

I think I should be the next Dina Lohan...

I have a fire-haired son named Earnest who has what it takes...

This has "JCPenny/Sears Wishbook" written ALL over it:

Yes...Friends...

That is the "Magnum."

On The Trail of #1231

I found this situation amusing for several reasons...

1. Could there be a (Mobile-Crime-Lab-Worthy) crime happening in this drive through???
2. Did the Mobile-Crime-Lab-Superstars find enough loose change in their forensic travels to afford an item from the dollar menu?
3. Does Omaha NEED a Mobile-Crime-Lab? They don't exactly seem busy...

In the midst of pondering these possibilities...

I realized I was actually snapping camera-phone pictures, from my car, in a drive through...

I said to myself...

"Self, I will justify the lame-ness of this situation by blogging about it."

Today Included A Quick Wardrobe Change...

Before you look down at Earnest in his sink and say, "Awwwwwww..."

Know that Earnest is a terrorist...


Picture it...

Old Market...

Today...

12:37pm....


















Earnest was survielling me from his porcelain bunker...

He was waiting for an ample amount of shower-steam to accumulate before attacking...

Jack Johnson was sending Earnest subliminal messages through my CD player...

My pants were neatly folded on the toilet...

I had no idea that the, "Sitting, Waiting, Wishing," pertained to Earnest urinating on my pants...

Until...

I was sitting here at work...

Wondering where the smell of Earnest's urine could possibly be coming from...

The BP Saved Me Again...

This is my tire:
















Looks like a tire...RIIIIIIGHT?



That's what I thought...



But this my friends....Is a tire with a screw in it...



Yes...



My tire was screwed...



I was screwed...



"Flat," is a 4 letter word in reference to tires, soda, lines, being broke and -ULENCE...