Number 2 is the Poop!

The second greatest blogger in the history of the world:



http://www.johnmayer.com/blog

Terrorism

Earnest will never be a successful interior designer. You will not see him on Trading Spaces, Divine Design, Colorsplash with David Bromstad, Design on a Dime or any other show based on aesthetic improvement.

Earnest will never make it as a landscaper. If Crosby, Stills or Nash needed a third cat for their yard...Earnest would be too busy making my life hard. Plus...he does not have opposable thumbs.

Earnest is a botanical terrorist.

Exhibit A

Defendant claimed he was just "Smelling the roses." I don't believe he inhaled.

Exhibit B

Suspect apprehended violating a bathroom plant.

The defendant claimed, "My relationship with said plant is both consensual and symbiotic."

I responded with, "Earnest, your vocabulary has improved! Have you been reading the dictionary between demolition projects?"

The defendant meowed, "Indubitably."

No charges will be filed...

I mentioned this on the air...

Our studio/building is being re-vamped. Last night one of the painters was telling me about his kids...I feigned interest...

He asked if I had any kids...

*I don't think I have ever been so insulted*

I made a face, "No..."

Beyond a general dislike of children, I've been asking myself why I took such offense...



I've come up with the following:

1. My job is important to me. Why would I voluntarily invite an additional priority into my life? The idea questions my commitment to radio. I'm not saying that people who breed don't care about their careers. I'm just pointing out that I don't want to have to take a day off work because I have a kid that lands in the ER...I would grow to resent their existence.

2. I'm not done with my self-improvement projects. Asking me if I have kids shines a big spotlight on goals I have yet to achieve. For example, I would like to speak fluent French and Spanish. Why would I have a kid when I'm not done perfecting myself? That's like re-doing the bathroom tile while simulaneously tearing off the roof.

3. I don't think anyone wants to think of their own mortality. Having kids means that I am no longer a kid...officially.

4. The idea of changing a diaper makes me nauseous. I have never changed a diaper. I never want to change a diaper. Thank you for having kids and changing their diapers so the task of populating the earth with kids and diapers does not fall on me...

5. Earnest:















We're not looking for a third wheel...


In the interest of time, I will spare you reasons 5-infinty.


Although...reason number 98 has to do with stretch marks...