High Wycomb or BUST

I just read one of those warm and fuzzy stories...

And unless you are allergic to cats, or recovering from some freak accident...like say, tripping over a whisker into a litter box...this will make your insides fuzzy with delight:

A team of firefighters in the UK saved 6 out of 7 cats trapped in a burning house, then resuscitated them using oxygen masks designed for babies. One of the men from the High Wycomb department said, "We were told about the cats and ran around the house in the thick smoke trying to locate them all."

Hum...

If Earnest and I ever become expat's we're heading to High Wycomb.

I missed you!

It's sooooo good to be back!

Over the holiday, I got my cute and fluffy fix with Sebastian, my mom's dog:

Fast forward through four 10,000 calorie days, and 2,000 miles...

The second I walked into my apt, Earnest jumped into my suitcase...Apparently he wants to go with me next time:

Dear Mr. Doppler, I don't fancy you...

I'm flying home to VA on the 24th...

I'm extremely worried...

Guess why...

Yes, my friends, that black line displays the approx. flight path...

The blue/green/yellow/red is the snow...

*sigh*

The fact that I am far less attractive when sneezing...is unfortunate

Several years ago I opened up an account with Blockbuster.

I arrived home to an email from one of the employees...(He'd snagged my info from the registration sheet.)

"Blockbuster Joe," as he would come to be called, became a fixture in my circle of friends. He even dated my best friend, Allison, for several months.

These are the things that happen to me.

This is the way my life works.

There is no reasonable explanation for any of it.


Today, after putting up a worthy battle, my coughing/sniffling/sneezing won and I went to a doctor.

I say "A Doctor," and not "The Doctor," or "My Doctor," because I don't really claim one...I'm not sick often enough to warrant that type of a relationship. I generally just call around and see who has 15 minutes to spare on my snotty self.

However...

The doctor I stumbled upon today...My doctor :-)...is the type of Foxy that makes me want to me ill more often...

*sigh*

I need a "Blockbuster Joe--Doctor Version 2.0"

Earnest VS Ernest

For months, I was proud to tell friends about Earnest's fame...

"If you do a google image search for 'Earnest cat,' my little orange explosion of joy will pop up...

What more could a mother want?

Well friends...

There is an interloper...

And his charm rivals that of MY Earnest.

THIS Ernest does not spell his name with an "A."

THIS Ernest wears contact lenses:

Yes...

Contacts for cats!

I am willing to suppress the Dina Lohan in me, and acknowledge that this is a cool cat!

Ladies and Gentlemen...

We have...Piano.

The events leading up to the acquisition of said piano are strangely, "Movie-esque."

Not "Big Fish," movie-esque...

More like, "You've Got Mail..."


Yesterday morning I did not have a piano.

Today I do.

The details in-between have everything to do with luck or fate or God...
However you want to look at it really...

Oh...

And a guy named Brad...and Brad's wife.


Because there is a level of intrigue surrounding the 1920's piano now living in my living room...I think I will leave it at that..."The events of the last 24 hours are interesting...Certainly irregular."


After all...


Earnest and I never claimed to be "Regular."














































Yes...The mannequin legs are on top of the piano...

This MAY constitute PDA...

Because I have a number of "Regulars" during the hours of 7pm-midnight...

My nightly time with you is a lot like "Cheers."

If you call more than once, I know your voice.

If you've won something, I'll remember your name.

If you LOVE a band, I'll seek them out because I respect and appreciate your passion.

Even if you never call and you're quietly reading this, please know that I'm honored to spend my nights with you.

As we approach Thanksgiving, I want to convey my thanks to you.

There is nothing more thrilling than sharing stories, sprinkled with music, with a cherry on top
:-)

My friends, I call you "Friends," and I mean it.

The Facts...

I scream like a girl.
I can run faster than I thought.
I can run and scream at the same time.

I know this because...

I have a bat in my apt.

I'm re-writing the song,

"There once was a lady who swallowed a fly...I don't know why she swallowed a fly..."

It shall now be known as,

"There once was an cat named Earnest-pie...Please, for the love of God, eat the damned bat."

The Break and Repair Method

I have been told that my entries "Meander."
So in the interest of the ADD afflicted constituency, here is the upshot:

The Break and Repair Method are amazing.

Truly.

The business side of my ear seeks to compare their sound to another artist's music...
I can't.
The Break and Repair Method creates an amalgamation of sounds so complex, that their talent exceeds the capacity of my mental Rolodex. They are completely new and fresh...yet feel familiar.

I stood outside the Slowdown last night, discussing the aforementioned with a newly recruited fan.
We walked in.
We walked in to one of the most musically satisfying experiences of our lives.

I am fond of many bands.
I am a "fan" of several artists.
But...
I am certainly a champion for The Break and Repair Method.

Friends...
They are THAT good.

I have a 49 minute interview to edit...Feel free to buy "Milk The Bee," while I sort through the audio :-)

XOXOXO,

-H

Earnest, as you know, is my favorite.

Bottom line...

Favorite ________ (Fill in the blank with anything fuzzy and and happy...)

I don't bestow the title of "My Favorite," on just any orange person...

That's why the story below made me cry...

I can't imagine what it would be like to have my "Favorite" misplaced...

From: OregonLive.com

Thursday night, as the Kosten family was at Portland International Airport waiting for a connecting flight to Southern Oregon, a Horizon Air employee delivered devastating news:
Janel Kosten's beloved 6-year-old blue heeler, Bear, was missing. For reasons that aren't known, a baggage handler opened Bear's kennel while military jets were taking part in a noisy exercise overhead and Bear bolted. Kosten, who rarely went anywhere without Bear, was crushed. The pair even traveled the 3,000-mile Alaska-Canadian Highway together a couple years ago.
"It's not like a regular dog," said Gary Kosten, Janel's dad. "That guy was her life."
"She was devastated," he said. "Everywhere she would go she would take the dog. This trip, she didn't have to take the dog but he goes everywhere with her. When he came up missing, I felt so sorry for my daughter because I know what he means to her."
This morning, after four days out and about on his own, Bear was found. Details of his discovery are sketchy. But PDX officials said he's been reunited with Kosten, 29, a nurse who lives in Alaska.

More:

http://www.oregonlive.com/news/index.ssf/2008/11/dog_that_escaped_kennel_at_pdx.html

Like Sands Through The Hourglass...Orange is the color of my life...

Every year I attempt to make pumpkin pie from scratch...

Friends, be assured that the "Attempt," portion of the previous statement has everything to do with finding time and nothing to do with ability.

This year, I most certainly had time thanks to my assistant Earnest.

Earnest truly puts the ASS in ASSistant. He would also put the TAN in AssisTANt, but he is orange.

And...

Let it be known that Earnest is, and was, under the impression that because he is the same color as pie filling...He is an expert ASSistant.
















Earnest angrily inquired, "Why-ever is there a candle in my pie crust? Do you propose I cook by candle-fire? How am I expected to produce under these less-than-optimal circumstances?"

















"I see that this fruit has not been properly cut and cleansed..."
















...

Fast forward 3 hours...

...















Ladies and gentlemen...

We have pie...

Earnest requested that I discontinue my "Camera brandishing," until after the pies were done...He apparently feels that if "Duke" (From the Bush's Baked beans commercials) found out our secret pie recipe, there would be "Chaos in the streets."

If I had a penny for all the "Nice Legs," comments I endured today...

Jack's Mannequin indulged a dorky/artsy side of me today:

Yes, my friends, mannequin legs signed by Jack himself...LOL

Now...

My homework for the weekend:
To hang them from the ceiling of my apt. as though the other half is peeking from my rooftop ;-)

;-)

PSA for boys...

The following conversation occurred last week:



Caller: Why does my girlfriend drag out arguments? It seems like we go through the same thing over and over and over again...

Me: You're not telling her what she wants to hear...I don't care what the problem is...Say the following in no particular order:
You're right.
I'm sorry, I was wrong.
I love you.
What do I need to do to make this ok?/What can WE do to fix this?

Then DO whatever she wants/expects. You will if you love her.

Caller: Why are you women so complicated?

Me: We're NOT! I just gave you a script of what to say in ANY situation!

Caller: You're right, I'm sorry, I love you...

Now...

Maybe I'm atypical, but when I engage in an argument every second of it is an opportunity for the recipient my anger to make everything ok. I wouldn't be talking to the person if I wasn't HOPING they would say what I needed to hear. (The above.)

EVEN when my tolerance has expired, and I can't talk to the person any longer...(Days, weeks, months, even YEARS could pass...) A grand gesture would immediately impact my opinion of "Our Future..." However, the more time that passes, the grander the necessary gesture.

A perfect example:

My ex Boyfriend failed the first portion...He was angry and confrontational...

Days after talking ceased, I went to Virgina for my best friend's wedding...If the guy in question had ditched work and jumped on a plane to surprise me at the reception, I would have taken him back...No question...No arguing...In a heartbeat...

It has now been almost a month...

At this juncture, if he performed a grand gesture...Such as flowers delivered every hour on the hour for every day we have been apart...(Not just flowers. Yellow Roses. My favorite flower.) I would quite likely forgive him and live happily ever after...

Now...If you're reading this (Guys) thinking:
Wow, that's a lot of money...
Wow, She's a high maintenance chick...
Wow, I would NEVER do that for a girl...

Then you don't love the person.
Maybe you have never been in love.
Being with someone for the long term, means you would do anything for them...You'd give your life for them...If you can't spend a couple grand on flowers when you've screwed up, you're not invested or in love. Bottom line.

It's not about the money or the time...It's about happiness...

Happiness is priceless.

I want to be the person that provides my boyfriend/husband with something priceless.

So show me I am priceless to you.

Celebrity Costumes ;-)

Here are my favorites so far!

KellyRipa as Sarah Paylin...

Katy Perry as her idol, Freddie Mercury

Gwen Stefani...Our favorite fertile goddess...as herself ;-)

I guess Lance put on the wrong costume...

Terry Hatcher's Queen of Hearts was far superior to my 2006 rendition:

ebay Addict...

I have to hand it to ebay...

For those of us who may not be athletically inclined...

The online superstore really give you that "Winning," feeling...

Mr. ebay...If you're reading this...

Please consider implementing some sort of "Cheering" or "Clapping" sound effect...Thanks.

My latest acquisition:

Scroll down for the back-story :-)

"Orange" has evolved...

Even though nothing rhymes with "Orange..."

I'm convinced anything is possible...

Here is the genetically enhanced version of Earnest:

What's so great?

How could THIS cat be superior to Earnest?

My friends...

The frat guys were correct...

Beauty IS a light switch away...

Mr. Green Genes glows in the dark ;-)

Keep-A-Breast Fundraiser

Artists like Katy Perry, Travis McCoy (Gym Class Heroes), Iggy Pop, Kim Gordon (Sonic Youth), and Mark Ecko have teamed up with The Keep-A-Breast-Foundation to help raise breast cancer awareness.



Essentially plaster casts are created, then the celebs paint them!



The ebay auction is here:



http://shop.ebay.com/merchant/thekeepabreast2005



Lots of auctions end today (10-28)...So if you're interested and able, don't hesitate!



This one is my favorite:

















About this nonprofit:
The Keep A Breast Foundation is a 501 (c) (3) non-profit organization. Our mission is to help eradicate breast cancer by exposing young people to methods of prevention, early detection and support. Through art events, educational programs and fundraising efforts we seek to increase breast cancer awareness among young people so they are better equipped to make choices and develop habits that will benefit their long-term health and well-being.

I am allergic to my High-Maintenece-Self

How much weirdness does the average person possess?

If you ever find yourself pondering your own oddities...

Here is a snapshot from my life...to hopefully...make you feel better about yours.

Earlier today:

As I'm blow drying my hair, Jenny calls...

Me: Hello (Sneeze)
Jenny: Bless you! (Random political banter.)
Me: (Laugh) (Sneeze)
Jenny: Bless You! (The conversation turns to boys...)
Me: (Laugh) (Sneeze) (Sneeze)
Jenny: Are you OK?
Me: I always sneeze when I blow dry my hair...
Jenny: (Silence)
Me: Yeah...
Jenny: You should mention that one the air.
Me: (Sneeze)

That's right...

I didn't noticed until today...

But I ALWAYS sneeze as I'm blow drying my hair...

Kind of odd...

Don't have any known allergies...

And yet...

Whether I'm at home or in a salon...

I sneeze...

There are several plausible explanations for my sneezing problem...Yet I choose to believe that I am most likely allergic to the absence of Earnest...

He was at the opposite end of the apartment...Waiting for the snot tsunami to subside:

Just call me Neo, cause I've met The Source...

Until a couple days ago, my relationship with the Omaha police dept. looked like this:

Now it looks more like this:
















That's right my friends...

I got flowers from a cop!

This situation baffles me...

I've had 2 significant relationships, totally about 6 years of my life...Neither guy ever sent me flowers.

Then I meet, "The Source" of the tickets...

Said Source and I have not been on a date, I don't even know the last name of "The Source."

And yet...

Just as quickly as one might notice flashing lights in the rear view...

Poof! Flowers...

The moral of this story...

"When you go fast, you get a ticket. When you go slow, you get flowers."

Another Thing To Confuse Our Friend Jessica Simp.

Regardless of how you, or I, feel about PETA...

I have to hand it to them for being creative...

No matter how shocking, extreme, or off-putting some of their campaigns may be, they really pour a lot of energy into capturing interest.

The latest:

A campaign to further numb the mind of our friend Jessica Simpson...

FISH=SEA KITTENS

People don't seem to like fish. They're slithery and slimy, and they have eyes on either side of their pointy little heads—which is weird, to say the least. Plus, the small ones nibble at your feet when you're swimming, and the big ones—well, the big ones will bite your face off if Jaws is anything to go by.
Of course, if you look at it another way, what all this really means is that fish need to fire their PR guy—stat. Whoever was in charge of creating a positive image for fish needs to go right back to working on the Britney Spears account and leave our scaly little friends alone. You've done enough damage, buddy. We've got it from here. And we're going to start by retiring the old name for good. When your name can also be used as a verb that means driving a hook through your head, it's time for a serious image makeover. And who could possibly want to put a hook through a sea kitten?

Thanks fark.com

Funny in the whole, "Alanis," way...

You know...

The rain on the wedding day...

Free ride when it's already paid way...


http://jalopnik.com/5066062/ten-cars-you-can-live-in-after-your-home-is-repossessed

Weddings & Jerseys & Kittens...Oh My...

I'm back in Omaha after the wedding of the year...

I've been to more...many more...than one this year, but Allison and Jeremy's wedding deserves the "Wedding of the Year," moniker.

Because the "Wedding of the Year," deserves multiple installments in this blog, I will create a trilogy. It will go backwards, as I do not have immediate access to the "Wedding of the Year," photos.

I will tell you that:

1. I caught the bouquet.
2. I gave a toast.
3. I handed out sparklers, greeted the caterers, made sure the table cloths were placed with care, hung curtains in the renovated-barn-reception-site, attended to Allison's dress, duck-taped when necessary, and in general ran around in a frenzy for 5 days...
4. I got Earnest an "I missed you," present...















Soon after receiving his jersey, his inner line-backer took over, and he tackled me...

Call me modest...But I dislike naked walls...

In a previous posting, I sang the praises of local artist Jenna Morrison...

Still loving her!

Just acquired this:

"Part of Me Wishes You Were Bad For my Health"

On The Road...

I lost my passport.

Sometime between May 27 and May 28th, 2007.
Somewhere between Virginia and Nebraska.
Stopped on a nameless highway trying to prevent my bladder from exploding into fireworks of coffee infused Redbull.


There was no Peyote or Kerouac or Jack of any sort.
I could deceive you into believing that the trip was a dream chasing endeavour wrought with the romanticism of an en route epiphany...
I could manipulate the truck-stop-reality into an undulating water globe of moonlit gravel roads...
I could momentarily suspend your disbelief...


But there was no zen or motorcycle or art...


There was a girl in an Oldsmobile with a passport...At least, until there wasn't.


Friends...
The passport would never have liberated itself from my possession if I'd been packing the following:





































Yes...

It's called the "Cleavage Caddy."

Although it's being marketed toward the bar and club-fly constituency, I think it's perfect (No essential) for travellers.

How many times do you find your IN-TRANSIT self almost dutifully peeling down your bottom attire in an unsavory rest area?

Now...

How many times do you see the need to remove your bra on the road?

Exactly.

LOVE IT!

Nicole Richie and Joel Madden have teamed up with Myspace to raise money for kids. If you're interested and able to help, you can text "CHILD," to 90999 and instantly donate 5 bucks! That's so easy! I love it!




The Richie-Madden Children's foundation is focused on raising money for low-income families, building playgrounds, providing medical services, and giving baby products to mothers. Foundation partners include the Los Angeles Free Clinic, UNICEF and Children's Health Fund.

Thanks Jeff!

Every once in a while...

Someone sends me a hilarious forward...

Here is the proof:

M & M Breeding

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.

OMG he's the FBD!

Is it too soon for another dose of Jesssimpion? I don't want you to think I'm a fan of our chicken of the sea monkeys...

That was mean...

I'm sorry...

I didn't mean to insult the one-celled intellect of our sea monkey friends...

I digress...

Jess is calling Tony Romo her "FBD."

To the laymen that means, "Future Baby Daddy."

Awe...

I've heard he has a sweet-as-pie pet name for her too...

"FWB..."Friend with benefits...

Earnest's Fall Wardrobe

Earnest is a fashionista.

Here is his latest acquisition:

Hetero-Flexible

"Heteroflexible," is the trendy word to describe the Katy Perry generation...

Although not yet defined by our friends at Webster's, the term accounts for any same-sex activity ranging from a dare to an experimental period.

Hum...

Do we need a term for that?

Maybe...

We do listen a hit song based around the concept :-)

New Songs To Love ;-)

My Dear Friends,

As you know, this blog is a window into my mind...

Where few things make sense, and sentences are seldom complete...

But this...

is my reality...

And reality has a kick-ass soundtrack:

Sept. 16th...

Write it on your forehead*

Plus...

See them live at Slowdown on Sat. 11-15!

*Preferably backwards

Haha! Thanks Dan

Boxers are OUT...MAN-E-HOSE are IN

I think most women would agree that wearing pantyhose, in general, wouldn't make the "Top 10 Greatest Things About Being A Woman" list.

Those heat-trapping, stomach-sucking, run-waiting-to-happen sheaths of discomfort are a necessity not a privilege.

Therefore, I was surprised to see that our lesser halves have begun to sport them with a pre-pubescent brand of excitement and intrigue.

Sure...The first dozen times I slid on a pair of hose, I felt...

Evolved...

But...

For the last 20-some years I've searched for the lesser of the calf-casing evils...

SPANX seem to be just that...

Tolerable...

Now, Friends...

I am certainly a proponent of equal-rights...

Female/Male, Alternative Lifestyle, Animal-Vegtable-Mineral...Whatever...My mind is WIDE OPEN...

But...

Why would a man choose to torture himself in the shackles of an unforgiving control-top?

I give you...

Pantyhose...

For MEN:

Online retailer, luxelegwear.com reports a staggering 80% of their 2007 sales were to men....Compared to 2005, when the market was dominated by women...

Apparently pantyhose are better than long-underwear under the suits of those professionals living in cold climates...

The thunder-thigh reducers also have benefits for athletes too...Many are reporting improved support and circulation...

REALLY?

OK...

Gift-giving just became really easy...

Victoria's Secret gift-cards all around!

I am not a Jessica Simpson fan...

In fact, the only thing I dislike more than her music is her personality...

However...

As someone who has also made herself into a product, I respect her success...

I appreciate the fact that the "Jessica Simpson," brand is as recognizable as Twizzlers...

Not Coke...Madonna is the Coke...

Now...

I don't listen her music, and do enjoy every possible opportunity to compare her intellect to a slice of Swiss cheese...

But...

When a woman admits that she has been abused, I will NEVER question or challenge her statement.

I'm angry...no, livid/enraged/offended...that different bloggers and entertainment reporters have made light of the situation. It's inappropriate to title an article, "Jessica Simpson abused?"

Guess what you ignorant freaks...

The question mark is offensive...

She said it happened.

Until proven otherwise...it did.

No question mark.

Period.

..........................................................

Here's an excerpt from the article...in case you missed it:

The dark years of Jessica Simpson also apparently included abuse. She says that her forthcoming album will include a song called “Remember That” by the Nashville songwriters Rachel Proctor and Victoria Banks that she hopes will deliver a message to abused women. “It doesn’t matter how he hurts you,” she sings, “With his hands or with his words/ You don’t deserve it/ It ain’t worth it/ Take your heart and run.”

“I had to record that,” Jessica says. “There’s nothing on my album you’re gonna hear that I don’t relate to or that I haven’t experienced. Because the only way I know how to sing is from life experience.”

“Are you thinking of anybody in particular when you sing that?” I ask.

“That is a personal question that I do want to keep to myself,” she says. “But I know that I sing it with experience.”

“I understand you’ve felt emotionally abused,” I say, “but you’re not telling me that you’ve experienced physical abuse as well, are you?”

She stops to ponder her response. She finally says, “I don’t want to talk about it, but I have definitely experienced abuse in a way that I would tell people to take their heart and run.”

ELLE