The 5 Circles of Hell...

Around this time last year, I had a personal trainer. I hated him...Which meant he was doing a stellar job. His pulpit was a Stair Master, and his Bible was a meticulously calculated meal calendar. (I use the word "Meal," quite loosely.) Needless to say...Instead of gaining the average 5-7 pounds of holiday flab...I lost 4 pounds...

"Holiday Flab," is a funny thing...

"Happy Thanksgiving, you're fat!"

"Merry Christmas...now lay down so you can button those jeans!"

"Happy New Year...You've gone up a size and the only thing that fits are your shoes!"

Although I don't currently have a hard bodied fitness freak orchestrating hours of "Sweaty Time"...I do have a broken elevator...and I have a 5th floor apt.

In a perfect world, I'd be trotting effortlessly up and down...Trash and laundry would serve as free weights, and the heels I wear 24/7 would be an added calf work-out...

If you know me at all, you're laughing right now...

There are 5 full bags of trash in my kitchen:

Plus, I've been occupying myself with time consuming projects, so I don't have to tackle the stairs. "The 5 circles of Hell," as I've affectionately coined them...

A concert tee, embedded in clear resin...Framed by a refurbished window pane.

Same concept...except I took scissors to a pair of signed jeans...

Trippin' on Tryptophan (The Dead Turkey Slipped Me a Roofie.)

Apparently I don't eat enough of the original white meat...

I don't have the "Immunity," man!

I can funnel coffee down my throat, without a hint of jitters...

I can drown in a self inflicted Tabasco sauce tsunami, without heart burn...


But...


When it comes to turkey...


I'm a lethargic lump...

Minutes after ingesting the bird, I started hitting an invisible snooze button...

It's like nature decided to reprimand my turkey gluttony by giving me a "Time Out!"


Needless to say, after dinner I spent a lot of time on the floor with the dog...



Unable to escape the saliva shower...



All because of the damn Tryptophan...

Post Nasal Blog...

I've been a little bit snotty and sniffly the past couple days...

I have been reciting Lesley Gore's lyrics to my cold for the past 48 hours, with no results.

Hey cold, "You don't own me..."
*Sneeze*
Hey Sneeze, "I'm young and I love to be young..."
*Cough*
Hey Cough, "Don't tell me what to do, and don't tell me what to say..."

I could go on...but you get it...

My brain is lounging in an orange Dayquil Jacuzzi...

Yes my friends...the daytime, sniffling, sneezing, stuffy head, so you can work medicine...is my bestest bud.

If there was such a thing as an Olympic Cold Medicine Swallowing Team, I would be the star...

Needless to say, I'm loopy from the liquid...

I started laughing hysterically when I saw this:















Why are Elfin Crackers funny?



They're not...



But I saw this:

















That's right...F'fin crackers...with 2.5 grams of "F..."

All Weddings Eve...

Have you ever done sooooo much in a week, it feels as through a month has flown by?
My boyfriend was in town and we went out A LOT!

Halloween kicked off with a courthouse wedding. No one was knocked up. No shot-guns were pointed. No one was stressed out about usual wedding crap. Just 2 crazy kids, a judge, and a handful of well-wishers...

I was a well-wisher...

NOT a bride...

My mom was just freaking out...

Now she's fine...

Because neither of these people are me:













Rock on marriage!

When it doesn't involve me...